I have sat here for most of the evening, feeling absolutely gutted.
Gutted that my blog is being peered at by someone I thought was a decent enough person but who, twice to my knowledge, has run to my least favourite person with information of mine.
If you work, if you're a parent, if you're in a relationship, or all three, you'll understand how you can lose yourself. Your identity.
Well, this silly little blog, was my attempt at regaining some of 'Me' back. And it had started to feel really good.
Every time one of you comment on my posts, or every time a face book friend inbox's me to tell me they like reading what I have to say, or better still, that they can relate to something I've put on here, it literally makes my heart swell. Not in a coronary disease type way, just a really happy, worthwhile way.
And each time I get a new follower, especially one I haven't nagged & forced to join, it makes me beam and feel like ME, the old Me, again.
Blogs are meant to be a way in which an individual gets out their information, thoughts, experiences, ideas, stories...feelings. Whether the blogger wishes to show others, or just use it as a private sanctuary, away from all the noisy shit, all the ignorance and banjo strummin, then that is their right.
I felt I needed to express myself. Not in a flailing, mad eyed, Kate Bush way but just to help ease the general daily suffocation that most adults feel when they realise they can't do, or say what they want and that they have responsibilities and duties.
I have been using this blog as a release valve.
Yesterday was very strange.
I came in from work and He came in shortly after, looking shell shocked. He explained that his sister had obviously given the details of my blog to his ex wife, who had in turn, called him during work, demanding that He had to meet her as she simply had to hand Him paperwork. Believing it to be some sort of legal document, he drove to her office and waited in the reception.
When she appeared brandishing print-outs of MY blog, He said He felt so angry for me and so sick. He understands how much we need our own interests and he knows that I have missed writing stuff. He also knows that I have felt uncomfortable with His ex wifes constant presence. Her interfering, two dimensional, self-rightous personality is overwhelming. She doesn't hear a single word if it differs from what she wants to hear.
It is due to her being 'there', that has stopped me from being close to His family. A first for me as I have always got on well with boyfriends families. And am still on good talking terms with two ex's sisters & mums.
I always knew His sister was a 'friend' of hers but got mixed feelings when she b*tched about her regularly.
It wasn't until recently that I felt uncomfortable having His sister as my friend on Facebook and after much deliberating, finally removed her from my 'friends' list. As I refreshed the screen and saw the confirmation that she had gone, I thought, "Ah well, does it matter that the deletion of our 'virtual friendship' will no doubt become the next drama in their lives"? I knew my name would be mud, again.
I felt relaxed that no more of my pictures, comments, conversations could be stolen from my Profile and shown to the ex wife, like they most definitely had been.
And I also felt a bit sad. Sad that His family didn't get to know Me. Just the version of me, when the real Me feels guarded and betrayed.
Pure sh*t, all this. Like a low budget soap opera. And completely unnecessary.
Anyway, I have thought about changing my blog. Just so I can write, knowing that I am not just basically reading my diary to The Duelling Banjo's.
The Duelling Banjo's is a fantastic pet name for the sister and ex wife, that I have nicked from sphillips05... one of my followers who has commented in great detail at the end of my post titled, http://theinvisiblewomanuk.blogspot.com/2011/02/back-stabber.html. Please read it. She has been scathing, understandably I think.
I can sort of understand to a miniscule degree, the mother instinct bounding to the forefront when ex wife reads that I am in a bad mood - http://theinvisiblewomanuk.blogspot.com/2011/02/bad-mood.html due to the three children, (one of which is hers)... a miniscule fragment of acknowledgement as to the protectiveness a parent feels but seriously, read the bloody thing before running, all guns blazing, to Esther Rantzen! I am a fantastic mother and a very decent human being. If I want to have a moan to my blog, I do not have to answer to the likes of you. You were not invited. Eavesdropping on others conversations is a dangerous past time.
They are my thoughts, you are not required to approve.
What I cannot understand, on any level, is the sister. Knowing the personality of the ex wife and knowing that it was a strong possibility that sharing information could have a heart breaking affect on your own brother, why on earth would you proceed? What do you gain from being two faced? No body trusts you, people believe you to be a liar and unreliable. Who are you helping? Or is it just the drama you enjoy because you are bored. I really am sick of you. You have hurt people for no reason at all. If you didn't like reading my blog, you could have rung me, or your brother. Instead you have just fcuked things up.
So, be warned friend. The Duelling Banjo's are watching. Watching because they are bored. They are reading my posts. Rifling through my blog, scratching away for snippets of stories, searching for crumbs of genuine chit chat, that they can knead and stretch into a big, overbaked DRAMACAKE!
When I was little, if I moaned that I was bored, my Dad used to say, 'go and tidy your bedroom'!
I bet there's huge piles of dust, like rolling tumbleweed under their beds!