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I can't please everyone and you might disagree with something I've said so share your view - just don't be a dick about it.

Friday, 4 March 2011



I meant to be so good this week.  This was meant to be the week I started on the great hamster wheel of fitness n weight loss.  Healthy eating was gonna be a lifestyle change, not just a fad diet. 

I was gonna be 2 stone less by March 31stAT LEAST!

It didn’t quite work out like that.

I went to the gym on Monday and  Clare did the programme review with me. 

It was much better than I had anticipated and she gave me a proper structured work out to follow.  She also advised me where I had been reading the equipment wrong.

All good.   I was going to go back at least three more times this week, each time ticking the box on my ‘personalised programme sheet’.

Well, as you know, if you’d read previous posts from Monday and Tuesday, things happened, making me feel in desperate need of escaping.  So, Tuesday evening, I was really ready for staring ahead and running to nowhere on the treadmill, then venturing out into the wobbly world of workouts. 

I got out of work an hour early, (thanks Dave), as I only had an hour to burn off as much fat as poss due to Him going out to watch the football.  

I got home, got dressed up as a fat chick would for the gym, (15 yr old trainers, baggy bottoms, layers, it’s all about layers….and plenty of SUPPORT)!  Then hopped in the car.

Once there, I stood looking for my ‘personalised programme sheet’ for 10 minutes.  I am not a natural sportswoman and so, this precious 10 minutes was having a detrimental effect on my ‘GO GET EM, YOU’RE A CAGED TIGER’ enthusiasm.  

I got bored of looking for it and strutted into the gym. 

Yeah baby, I looked H. O. T and cooool all at the same time.  

If I had a soundtrack for my visits to the gym, as I burst  through the doors like an Amazonian, athletic, lioness, she-god, the most appropriate song would be,  ‘MORE THAN A WOMAN’ by Bee Gees, then as I bounced up and down on the treadmill maybe Simply Irresistable by Robert Palmer, or Centrefold.  For the floor exercises I’d say it’d have to be I’m Every Woman, Chaka Khan and for my cool down stretch, Once, Twice, Three times a Lady, Commordores  

In reality, as I puff puff puff away, I should really have something like COME ON ICE CREAM by Dexy’s Midnight Runners, and as I struggle to do 3 crunches, I GET KNOCKED DOWN BUT I GET UP AGAIN by Chumba Wumba. 

That bloody eric prinz (can’t spell it) version of Call On Me came on once, just as I started jogging and I felt sooooooooo embarrassed!!!  Have you seen the video?  AGGGH I was at my ugliest and sweatiest.  Just cringe-worthy.

Anyhoo, back to TUESDAY –

Once on the treadmill, I tried to regain my furious fat fighting face but it just wouldn’t work.   

I managed only 25 minutes and this is interval training!  So just 3 mins walking, 2 mins running, 5 times.    I still get a proper old sweat on though. Oh and a funny thing about botox I have found is that when I have been exercising and my face is red and flustered, I have white circles, exactly where the injections have been, on my forehead and crows feet (legs).   Small price to pay for the temporary deletion of sun damaged tramlines though, even if I do look a bit rhubarb n custard!

So,  getting bored I decide that that’s my lot and I’ll go home but then I spot Clare by the exit door! So I begrudgingly do a few crunches on the mucky blue mat, until I spy her instructing a newbie on the rowing machine and take that as my cue to slip out the door! Hahaha you can’t catch me! I am running much faster now than I was on the treadmill!

In the reception area I decide to weigh myself on their swanky machine.  I pop my £1 in the slot and stand as tall as possible as this one calculates everything!  

In the silent but busy reception area, the posh, electronical voice BELLOWS at me,  'Just calculating your WEIGHT and height.   Just calculating your BODY FAT! STAND STILL'! 

And so, by the time I get home, I am needing that glass of White Zinfandel and Malteser chocolate bunny!

We have, since Tuesday just eaten lots and not exercised. 

We are going to spend this Saturday doing fabulous but simple things WITH NO GUILT… then on Sunday, read the newspapers in bed, (if the kids let us…they should do as for good behaviour, they have earned a 2nd hand dvd/tv combi for their bedroom…just for 1 hours Tom n Jerry on a Sunday morning)…oh the bliss of not having to get up until 8am !!!

BUT!....I PROMISE that from Monday, I will start my new regime.   And I WILL lose at least 1 stone of lard by march 31st…. 


  1. Haha that made me laugh!!! Get your lazy back side back down the gym!! You were doing so well before.....get back on track!! YOU can do it!!

  2. haha pleased it made you laugh. I was laughing and a jigglin' whilst writing it! hahah

  3. (gag off) That has really tickled me!! I just read all that out to the Husband! even He laughed! I always thought my song for the gym was "Dare" by Gorillaz - if you listen to the beat (v e r y s lllllllooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow) thats the speed of my workouts!!! but in reality, after asking him indoors.. the song that I would work out by is either "Nellie the Elephant" or "The Frog Chorus!"... shit.

  4. Your husband is very lucky to have such a funny wife. I always think blokes are funnier than women in general and it must be hard for them to be paired with a beautiful, sexy, chicklette who never makes them laugh. Hahaha that could be my new excuse for having that second eclair, 'I have to keep the fat up, or i'll be thin and my personality will suffer'!