About Me

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I can't please everyone and you might disagree with something I've said so share your view - just don't be a dick about it.

Monday, 28 February 2011

Back Stabber.

Here was me thinking maybe I was over reacting and being paranoid but I have just been advised by Him, that the ex wife ordered a meeting with Him today and proceeded to hand him print-outs of my blog.

The only person who could have told her about my blog was His sister, who I mentioned I had finally deleted from my Facebook friends list for fear of her reporting back.

Looks like my paranoia was justified.

Do I stop my blog?  He is very angry with both his sister and his ex wife and told me that under no circumstances should I stop my blog. 

What do you think?  (p'eed off)!

Hints & Tips

Just a quickie this evening as I am actually heaving myself to the gym and have promised that when I come back, I will chill and watch a film with Him. 

Maybe Adaptation, with Nicolas Cage?

We are in need of just sitting, in the dark, staring at the box, cuddling and farting into the sofa.

Anyway, the working day wasn't so bad.  One of the systems was being updated which meant less calls came through for one of the busiest services plus I got out an hour early.

It's bloody freezing though.  Finally thought we were finished and done with the cold weather.  I'd even started my annual panic about having to wear lighter clothing and exposing more flesh due to the sun beaming down like an evil stage light!

So, I'm typing this before I go to a 'programme review' at my gym.  

All I did was email them, asking if they knew which exercise class was best for fat burning.  Next thing I know, I have agreed to 'Clare', going through a 'programme review' in the gym.  Clare is about 16, literally.  I have seen her go through the different machines with people my age.  I don't think she actually listens.  How can she possibly know how hard it is to 're train abdominal muscles' at that age!?

Maybe she will be fantastic, like my very own Tracy Anderson, or probably more like Richard Simmons...
COS Tracy Anderson (Pic:SM)
Tracy says : Madonna is my star pupil, it's Gwyneth who gives me cheek
Richard says : the invisible woman has been my toughest challenge in all my 100 years in this business!

So, I am off. 

I forfeited shaving my legs so i could pop this post on.   Hopefully Clare-a-belle won't get too close whilst I'm puffing away on the rowing machine.  She'd better not lean across me to turn the resistance dial up or she could slice a finger off on my shin stubble!

I will share any hints or tips she may give me.  As it's free and they are currently, desperately advertising 'personal trainer sessions', I doubt she'll give any secrets away but who knows.

Here are a few tips, not all related to exercise;
  • The best cure for a hangover - coconut milk. From inside a proper coconut, not a tin!
  • when you by cans of drink in fours and you get the plastic rings that hold them all together, rip them apart before throwing it away to avoid strangling small animals & sea life!
  • keep nail varnish in the fridge - Sarah says it stops it going gloopy
  • when freshly painted nails have dried, do the washing up.  The warm, soapy water removes all surplus varnish from your skin.
  • To ease period pain, put your bum and back against the wall and wind your waist/ hips - this was also quite nice for mild labour pains!
  • If you feel anxious, like an anxiety attack is about to start, say 'BRING IT ON'.  This does actually work and somehow dissolves the anxiety.

Sunday, 27 February 2011


Half Way There

A few weeks ago at work, it dawned on me that I am now, 'middle aged'. 

For anyone 50 and above, I assume you have got over the shock and are used to it but at 38, it's a new thing.  It's weird as you really do feel young in your head but certain things mean you aren't.

I feel I am too young to be doing stuff like the green t*tty women to the left but definitely too old to LOL with the OMG brigade.  After having 2 kids I may literally PMSL!

I don't remember growing old and I don't think I have ever really grown up.  Not properly anyway.

Obvious changes like wrinkles, baggy elbows, not being able to just eat what you want, grey hair, aching more after exercise etc are par for the course.  But it's such a strange, uncertain phase. 

Some time after 28  - 32 yrs, I slowly stopped getting asked how old I was when buying fags, or alcohol. 

The day I actually realised that I hadn't been asked for over a year, was when He came home all cross because he had been refused cigarettes at the local mini supermarket.  I felt a pang of jealousy.  He was just p'eed off that the staff were incompetant as he'd bought cigarettes in there numerous times before.

I remember being asked if I was collecting 'vouchers for schools' by cashiers and feeling insulted that they could possibly even think I had kids.  I was in my late 20's! I was in denial obviously.

In town I'd see young men doing market research surveys and think as they waved their arms at me, begging me to 'just answer a few questions, awww come on love', that bloody hell, they're doing that 'young n cheeky' thing!!!! The sort of side-stepping, skippy, clipped banter you make with your friends parents when you're 15 !!!  They think I am old enough to be their mother!

They say if you have a bit of meat on your bones, you look younger and that being thin ages you.  Well when I was thin/slim, I was young, so I associate slim with young, pretty me.  And now that I waddle, I can assure you that it's fitness and confidence that make you look and feel younger, not meat!  Although saying that, a 90 year old lady called Mrs Brown told me last year, ' you don't look your age because you are plump. like your daughter. Plump people always look prettier and more youthful'.   Thanks Mrs Brown.  Mrs Brown is a beautiful old lady.  She is fantastic for her age.  She has an aloof air about her that softens her wrinkles that I think comes from being wealthy.

Having responsibilty ages you.  Having children is such a huge, life changing responsibility and I do miss the old me sometimes but I think if I had a little more money and time to myself, like Joan Collins, or Demi Moore, I'd still manage to look OK.

I have changed so much in 5 years.  I think that is where the change occurs. Going from mid - late thirties. 

I find it so much harder to get over things now... like exercising.  An injury.  A bad haircut.  A night out.  Hangovers last 48 hours minimum now.  I literally am Ozzy Osbournes twin for the entire next day.

Dealing with other peoples regret, bitterness and negativity can age you too.  A stressful job, or home life.  Not being with the right person and just putting up with it.

On realising that I was middle aged, I cautiously typed, 'middle aged woman' in google and searched images.  Do it.  It throws back a varied result, ranging from women I can quite comfortably say I look younger than, (not that it should matter but it does) to women that make me think, 'yeah well she's got super genes/cheekbones/hooded eyes/grey-resistant shiny hair', so she doesn't count.

If I can stick to losing weight and toning up, (I still look 6 months pregnant sometimes), I may stick before/ after pics on here.  It is a blooming struggle being a woman, (I can't speak for men), so I am honestly just trying to share this with you, hoping some of you identify and maybe share your experiences...I'm not just going 'LOOK AT ME'!

Anyway, things I have done til now are plenty and I am really very lucky to have found, 'The One' and to have had two healthy, brilliant children. 

I have had a nice childhood, with a strong, hard-working Dad,  funny, clever brother and mad as a box of frogs Mum.  I wasn't bullied at school, met my best friends who I am still friends with, travelled, experienced lots of class A's, lived in three countries aside from England, served Keanu Reeves a 'mocha' & a date n ginger cookie in Sydney, (he was very serious & boring and only tipped $5),  swam near The Barrier Reef and walked on a tiny island where the white sand was so fine that it squeaked under your feet. I've had two interviews re comedy writing with Talkback productions, worked for my Dad as a labourer, built a York Stone wall,  met Him, had two beautiful babies, had botox and become MIDDLE AGED!

My life has changed.  My outlook has changed.  I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life chilling out and becoming confident again. 

I will look after my babies and Him as best as i can and I will read more.  I am also, egged on by Him, painting more too.  I look forward to those rare moments when we can lay in bed and read the Sunday Times...and the News of The World, with a coffee,  just balanced on the duvet. And I relish the other 99.9% of mornings,  holding onto my coffee for dear life while a 2 and 4 yr old jump all over us, shouting and laughing.

I'm really looking forward to travelling properly again.  Maybe in 15 years time, with Him, when our babies want to fend for themselves.  I'll be exploring the world as a different woman.  A more polite, less selfish, calmer woman.  A middle aged woman. 

Saturday, 26 February 2011


Right, what really fcuking annoys you?

I'm gonna have a bit of a rant now because it's been one of those weeks, topped off with a weekend that is thus far, NOT MY OWN!

And now I have finally got the kids to sit quietly with their new painting sets and A BLOODY ALARM HAS GONE OFF. 

One of those quiet, piercing, persistant alarms. Like a watch alarm. But this one has been tidied away by HIM in a box that is so high up, I cannot reach it to turn the fcuking thing off. I will just sit here, angrily tapping away at the keyboard while it runs it's course. HEAD POUNDING!

Two minutes pass and the beeping stops.

All week at work,  I have people in my ear who cannot seem to do anything for themselves, apart from whinge, breed, smoke, demand and swear. I get sworn at, shouted at, called names and literally, personally blamed for the fact that these scrotes have to pay the same bills as me. 

About 1 in 20 callers are pleasant. Human.  Socially skilled.  About 1 in 40 make a polite compliment about my manner in comparison to the rudeness they normally get when they ring a number marked, 'This Way For Help' and that makes me feel a little bit better. A little less of a c*nt. (sorry but I am ANGRY).

Anyway, I know we all look forward to our own time at the weekend but I think anyone who works with the public, (yes, I know I am one of them) needs their own time even more than others who do jobs they really wanted. 

I don't know what the pressure is like for Mick jagger, or Steven Hawking but I expect they get to tell people the truth so often that they don't feel suffocated by the time friday afternoon comes smiling sleepily, (unless Mick's into auto-asphyxiation and then that's his choice so it doesn't count). I'd like to assume Mr Hawking prefers a ruddy hard game of Scrabble.

So, sometimes it get's to the weekend and the kids will not behave. I am better than the other half at disciplining the kids, so I tend to do it. 

When we have a third child here, the usual two, my son in particular, misbehaves....a lot.

After a week of 'talking to brick walls', the last thing I want is to be ignored in my own home, in my time. 

I have watched Supernanny and I like to think I had a fair idea what was 'assseptable' and also what was 'totally unasssseptable' anyway, otherwise I wouldn't have had children.  Unlike others who have kids and expect society to pick up the pieces.

Juggling my time is tricky, to say the least.  I hardly see my friends any more. They are not local and it costs a lot to get there but also, as a working mum, I feel guilty leaving my family for half the weekend.  I also feel guilty leaving Him a) for half the weekend with the kids and b) to go and have fun whilst he has worked bloody hard all week too.  I then feel guilty for not seeing my friends, who have been there for me throughout.

We have to juggle with hours, here and there, let alone half weekends! 

As I have probably mentioned before, I am three stone over weight.  I try to stick to regular exercise classes/ gym sessions but this is sporadic and unless something is regimented, I give up and lose heart.  For instance, I went to a body pump class and remembered how much I used to like it and as I happily tried to book a second class, I remembered I couldn't because He is going to see the football that evening and so I have to be at home.

I am using this blog as an outlet for the real me who is stilted all week and yet I feel guilty if I'm on it for too long, although He gets to shoot people on the XBOX while I'm blogging! 

There's a lot of guilt, so I tend to end up doing nothing. My decision - I'm not blaming anyone.

Today, I have suggested four times that He goes with child 3 for a couple of hours to give us all a break, as child 2 will behave when child 3 is not around.  This will allow my headache to dissolve and stop the potential waste of a weekend and the precious 'me time'.

He refused, saying he'd like to go out all together - (I think this is to placate me and to make me not feel abandoned)!
He drove us all to an interiors shop, (it's raining) and we all pile inside.  I have child 1 & 2 in a trolley and request that He and child 3 walk off and have a look around.  They do.......... for about 5 minutes.  Child 3 is literally under my feet, blocking the aisle, or standing behind me, so close that if I step back I will tread on him.

By the time we get back to the car, my head is POUNDING.  Child 2 is being his naughtiest, egged on by Child 3 who is being sneaky.  Child 1 is trying to go to sleep and getting grumpier by the second.

I shout.  He comments that Child 3 'hasn't done anything' and by now, it is Saturday lunchime.  To me, half the weekend has been wasted, fraught and agitated. 

We pull up at the supermarket and I know I cannot go in there.  I suggest, (in a firm manner) that He and child 3 go in together.

While they are in the store, I have asked child 2 to get back in his seat 3 times.  I have (wrongly I know) threatened him each time with BED! when we get home. 

I sit in the passenger seat, the shouting, naughty children behind me.  My shoulders are by now, touching my earlobes. 

I ring Sarah. 

Sarah is relaxed.  She has done all her housework and is just about to watch Avatar, stretched out on her sofa, in her gorgeous, child unfriendly home, (there is glass, sharp corners, fragile ornaments and general, stain - free neatness). 

Rather than be jealous of her enviable state of  togetherness, I just laugh and chat away. Letting off steam and getting excited for her evening ahead, (that's her business and I daren't divulge details on here ;)

I feel better.

There are a few people in this world who have a natural calming effect on me. 

Sarah is one of those people.  Marie is another.  I said in my very first post on here, that Marie should be a therapist. 

The third person I actually don't know but have been reading her blog, 'Linda and her twaddle', for the last couple of weeks, since realising via my blog profile, that we have the film, 'The Witches of Eastwick' in common.

I really must recommend her blog.  It, for me, is like reading a magazine that is filled with constantly good articles. No fillers. 

He has finally taken child 3 out for a walk and to watch the rugby.

Thanks to all that and talking to you lot, I am beginning to calm. 

My brain is actually feeling smaller, as though it had swelled and was ready to burst out of my skull before.

Before I stop my rant though, i'd just like to add that;

  • talking LOUDLY, next to someone who is on the phone,
  • interrupting others conversations
  • asking people questions and then not listening to their answers, 
  • cutting off the corners as you drive into a junction so you're on the other side of the road
  • telling someones business to a 3rd party who they dislike
  • talking in a baby voice if you are NOT a baby
  • and eating with your mouth open, so you sound like a dog licking it's nuts IS REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ANNOYING!
Anyway..... that is how my weekend, my down time, has gone so far.  How's yours?

What is the difference between Cosmopolitan and Womans Own?

One tells you how to have an orgasm......... the other tells you how to knit one!

Friday, 25 February 2011


I watched Marchlands last night.  ITV at 9pm. 

It was the 4th episode and the 5th & final one is next thursday. 

I didn't watch episodes 1, 2 or 3 and it's been recommended to me by both Sarah and Dave, that I watch them all before next week.

It's a spooky drama with a little girl ghost called Alice. 

I think I'm gonna get in to watching tv Dramas.  I think the last proper drama I watched was GBH with Robert Lyndsay, Michael Palin & Julie Walters. 

I did get into the series Cracker, and Soldier Soldier, ( I was in Tenerife and we got box sets sent over from the UK  - any English telly was a rare treat!

So, it is with much sorrow that I sign off JUST FOR TONIGHT and watch ITV catch up.

Have a FANTASTIC evening everyone, the working week is OVER!

Wednesday, 23 February 2011


The museum I related to in my last post is a tiny, local one and it relies on donations as you walk through the doors.  This time though, there was a note asking visitors to please give generously to avoid them having to charge an entry fee in order to stay open.  (SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL SMALL STUFF)!!!

I sound old now but it seems like all the nice, pure, innocent things are being swallowed up by the fast, modern world. 

Everything is throw-away and everyone wants everything NOW!

It's like the world's turned into instant coffee and I like instant coffee but because of the convenience of it, no one has the time, or interest to wait for the fresh stuff to perculate anymore.  If it's done properly, the fresh stuff is nearly always better than the quick stuff and i'm not talking about Costa Packet, or Cafe Scrooge here either.

As a mum, I feel like it's a battle to include enough of the old stuff, without moulding my kids into square oddballs and at the same time, make sure they are up to speed with the latest kids trend, be it Rastamouse, Gogo's, Toy Story 3 on XBOX... I have even got my son into Jackass. But, I don't want them to lose out on what I think childhood is all about and in my experience, an English childhood.  It should be magical and thought about, not plastic.  Adventures, exploring and learning.
We painted this 'magic' tree in the kids bedroom & they made leaves with their hand prints
I'm all for multi culturalism, ( I had the luxury of being able to travel and work abroad for 6 years in my early 20's and loved the experience) but I think we should be allowed to keep our own identities too.

Be proud of who we are, where we come from and what being 'us' is all about.  I've lived in Ireland, Spain and Australia and i must say that you always knew which country you were in from the feel of the place and the attitude of the people. That's what I loved about it. They were all so sure of their culture and allowed to be them, without apology.

England is so diluted now. It's really annoying and sad that we allow pathetic factions of society dictate to us what is acceptable to be English (without being racist).  You can fly the St George during the world cup BUT FOR GODS SAKE TAKE IT DOWN STRAIGHT AFTER or everyone will know you're evil!

We need to become children again, slow down, just be ourselves without worrying if we'll offend others.
It's good for the soul.

My daughter is so sure of herself already. There's a real confident, nonchalance about her. She is quite intimidating, all 2 years of her.

We read to our kids alot. My mum read constantly to me and as a result, I was a great creative writer as a child and my teacher Miss Anderson, (who said she lived in Enid Blytons old house and knew Peter Pan), used to get me to read aloud in class.

Reading is so important. I embarrassingly could only think of one 'favourite' book to add to my blog profile, Wonderland Avenue by Danny Sugarman.  I get bored easily and am on the hunt for a good book (please give suggestions).

I get my son to really think about what he is trying to draw.  He used to come home from nursery with a scribble on paper and I'd say, 'what is it'.... if he didn't know, I wouldn't keep it  - I wouldnt shred it in front of him or anything ;).  Now he really lets his imagination go and one of his drawings was a 'Pork 'em Boxing Match'... he described it as three boxers in wheelchairs that have to roll over and squash as many pork chops as possible. Any pork that isn't squashed is caught by the referee, 'The Catcher'...and the crowd chant, "POOORK 'EM! POOOORK 'EM! POOOORK 'EM"!

A Pork 'em Boxing Match
The Hulk, Max from The Prodigy, Merlin, Keith from The Prodigy and ET
There are things from my childhood and youth, that I try to keep alive for my kids... obviously some are not English but what I am trying to do is slooooooow things down from time to time.  Appreciate what we had in 'the olden days';

Boiled eggs & dippy soldiers, reading ORIGINAL Winnie The Pooh,  And Now We Are Six,  When We Were Very Young,  The Kings Breakfast, Heinrich Hoffmann,  Hilaire Belloc, Grimms Fairy Tales, Steeleye Span (getting macabre some of this), My Naughty Little Sister, Where The Wild Things Are, Burglar Bill, Mr Wolfs Pancakes, anything by Enid Blyton or Roald Dahl, Choose your Own Adventure books. 
Museums, cups of tea, corned beef & brown sauce sandwiches - on white bread. 

Saying PLEASE and THANK YOU, naturally.  Being polite to people. Saying 'hello' to old people who smile at them.  Telling stupid jokes. Eating your veg...eating curry - trying new food.

Proper small Lego, face paints, dressing up, Action Man with proper hair (not plastic hair), Sindys & Barbies (not Bratz, the sl*gs!), Snow White & The Seven Dwarves, old magical Disney films.  The Wizard of Oz, The Sound Of Music. David Attenborough.

Monty Python,  (I started to go upstairs the other day and my 4 yr old son stopped me and asked in a shrill voice, "WWWHAT IS YOUR QUEST"?)

Madness - baggy trousers, Musical Youth - pass the dutchie,  Blur - Park Life, Hanson - Mmm Bop.

Playing in the garden - lifting the bricks and stones to see what insecty treasure lurks beneath. Snail races, catching frogs, feeding the birds, not shouting at them.  Doing stunts and making obstacle courses.  Owning a pet hamster & helping to feed & water him.

Going into a proper old fashioned sweet shop and choosing out of big jars and coming out beaming,
with a small, white paper bag full of sugar & colourings.

Awww it is easy to rush around and not really look or listen to your surroundings.    

I am awful for gettingwound up and impatient.  Just now, whilst writing this, my daughter sneezed and was asking me to blow her nose but just mumbling, 'mo, my mo, mummy'... Whilst wiping it, I told her in a stroppy tone, 'you have to learn to talk properly and stop being so lazy'... my son looked at her, patted her hand and said slowly and thoughtfully, "don't worry Am's, when you are three, you will be able to say eeeeeveryyyyyyything".

This post is a bit all over the place but I am in a hurry! Just today, for a change, I am going to try to be polite, calm, friendly and slow down a bit.

Try it.

Tuesday, 22 February 2011


It was a grey and wet weekend so I suggested we take the kids to the local museum to show them the treasure on display.
Thoroughly mesmerised with innocent, wide eyes, full of wonder and intrigue, other peoples children were. My two had their first fight.  Right there in the middle of the maritime artifacts and in front of the other good children.
This is them...