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I can't please everyone and you might disagree with something I've said so share your view - just don't be a dick about it.

Monday, 21 March 2011

HAIR - The Musical

Mum told me, with a sympathetic frown
“When you were born, you were covered in down!
Nothing to worry about of course,
It was soft, not thick or coarse”.

But that was then, how things progress
I look like Chewbacca in a dress!
Now surely there must be a cream
To make ‘baldness’ not just a dream?

At 10 you just don’t give a sh*t
By 12 there’s hair under your pit.
AGGH Grab the razors, no one must see
My transformation from ‘coot’ to ‘Yeti’!

So I started the journey of depilation
I’ll have hairstyles of every variation!
Brazillians, Hollywoods, nothing will faze me
A seventies ‘fro, if I’m feeling lazy!

I tried Nair and Veet and lazers
The speed it grows back would just amaze ya!
In-grown hairs that would just dazzle
I could cover them up with a Vagazzle?!

It’s just no good, I’m way too hairy,
I’ll leave it to the professionals to wax my ‘mary’
But even they didn’t have much luck
“it’s quite robust”! What the f*ck?!

But it’s only for women, all this fuss
Even though men are affected just like us
I have heard that when they grow older
P*bes start appearing on their shoulder

Their scalps shine through as hair gets sparse
The thick hair reserved just for their *rse
Spidery strands from nostrils fall
Whilst a dandelion clock hides willy, balls & all.

Society tells us it’s just not right
To remain a hairy woman without a fight
And there’s never any chance of marriage
With an unkempt under-carriage!

I’m on holiday soon, everything on show
Maybe I’ll just let it grow
And men will shudder and babies will cry
As ‘German Shepherd-knickers’ walks by!

The French look good with all their fluff
Dark, bushy armpits, ‘tache and muff.
Why do we all worry so much
It we look like Rapunzel on our crotch?

And even with her almighty fringe
I bet she’s got a bald and sparkly m*nge!
Oh I’ll just have to carry on
All this just to look good in a thong!

Oh look, I can’t keep on, I’m getting dizzy!
Ok just a trim, I don’t like frizzy
But I’ll miss it when all too soon, one day
I’m left with patchy, wispy grey!

So maybe I’ll just give up now
It’s only an opinion anyhow?
Who says you’re bad and sick and weird
If you sport a healthy knicker-beard?


  1. Haha errrr heathly knicker-beard!! That made me laugh!!!

  2. That's good Sarah, at least you can laugh at yourself!

  3. It's Mothers Day on Sunday so maybe get "him" to buy you a bikini trimmer or a Flymo instead of flowers from the kids? They think they're going on a far flung holiday by plane and not Sherwood Forest!

  4. That's very funny. I am always tempted to let my armpit hair run free - then I chicken out when it happens and a sunny day rocks up.

  5. Linda - I'll donate £5.00 to Oxfam for your trailwalk, if you grow your pits and march along with them flowing from your singlet (vest) for the entire thing...

  6. LOL at least you will never have to make use of a merkin!

  7. Saraphic - Not anymore no! I will handwash it and give it back to you ;)

  8. Oh, if I had enough time to let the hair grow I might consider it. Sadly, ten days just won't do it. Even with fertiliser on top.

  9. Bloody Hell Linda, after ten days mine'd be attracting nesting sparrows! Ok, how about just leaving one solitary strand to grow free? Just for the trailwalk...it's gotta be worth a fiver?

  10. I tell you what, I'll not pluck out my chin hairs for an entire week. And that is a big thing for me - http://www.lindastwaddle.com/2007/10/girls-best-friend.html

  11. and if you're being overtaken mid walk, you need to shout, No No No, Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin, I will not let you win!

  12. Oh, very clever. I'll pay that. ha ha