HAIR - The Musical

Mum told me, with a sympathetic frown

“When you were born, you were covered in down!

Nothing to worry about of course,

It was soft, not thick or coarse”.

But that was then, how things progress

I look like Chewbacca in a dress!

Now surely there must be a cream

To make ‘baldness’ not just a dream?

At 10 you just don’t give a sh*t

By 12 there’s hair under your pit.

AGGH Grab the razors, no one must see

My transformation from ‘coot’ to ‘Yeti’!

So I started the journey of depilation

I’ll have hairstyles of every variation!

Brazillians, Hollywoods, nothing will faze me

A seventies ‘fro, if I’m feeling lazy!

I tried Nair and Veet and lazers

The speed it grows back would just amaze ya!

In-grown hairs that would just dazzle

I could cover them up with a Vagazzle?!

It’s just no good, I’m way too hairy,

I’ll leave it to the professionals to wax my ‘mary’

But even they didn’t have much luck

“it’s quite robust”! What the f*ck?!

But it’s only for women, all this fuss

Even though men are affected just like us

I have heard that when they grow older

P*bes start appearing on their shoulder

Their scalps shine through as hair gets sparse

The thick hair reserved just for their *rse

Spidery strands from nostrils fall

Whilst a dandelion clock hides willy, balls & all.

Society tells us it’s just not right

To remain a hairy woman without a fight

And there’s never any chance of marriage

With an unkempt under-carriage!

I’m on holiday soon, everything on show

Maybe I’ll just let it grow

And men will shudder and babies will cry

As ‘German Shepherd-knickers’ walks by!

The French look good with all their fluff

Dark, bushy armpits, ‘tache and muff.

Why do we all worry so much

It we look like Rapunzel on our crotch?

And even with her almighty fringe

I bet she’s got a bald and sparkly m*nge!

Oh I’ll just have to carry on

All this just to look good in a thong!

Oh look, I can’t keep on, I’m getting dizzy!

Ok just a trim, I don’t like frizzy

But I’ll miss it when all too soon, one day

I’m left with patchy, wispy grey!

So maybe I’ll just give up now

It’s only an opinion anyhow?

Who says you’re bad and sick and weird

If you sport a healthy knicker-beard?