There's So Much Shit on The Telly

Alright?

We watched Shutter Island last night and HE guessed the plot 10 minutes into it.  I was hoping to be scared, (I don’t watch scary movies but once in a blue moon fancy one), and it was just bland.

The most recent films that I’ve watched and thought, ‘brilliant’!, are, The Dark Knight,   American Gangster,  Where The Wild Things Are,  Toy Story 3,  Kick Ass and  Avatar… I have watched a few an’ all!

I have put up a bit of an argument against having Sky TV, as I think we have enough TV as is and we don’t need more.  With young kids, we need less TV if anything.

We have free view but that’s it.  We don’t even have ‘Dave’.   But aside from the initial wonderment you get when you watch something like, Pineapple Dance Studios, for example, I don’t think we are truly missing out.

I usually sit up alone watching shit, (and it is shit),  like Katie Price/ Katie & Peter/ Katie & Alex/ Jordan & Katie – The Next Chapter, and I do get into the ooohs n ahhs of it all and (controversial), I do think she’s alright but she’s losing it a bit at the moment. 

I find it interesting to flick through magazines to see what Celebrities are up to, or what they are wearing, who they are fighting with etc but I do know that it’s all poo and have had arguments with Him as he accuses me of ‘getting sucked into all that shit’.  

He hates Heat Magazine and yet will make a point of leafing through it, sneering and reading quotes aloud to me, (a very, very annoying and contradictory habit).

There have been times when I’ve thought entire issues of Heat have been complete and utter tosh;  As though it’s been written by, adults, grown men, acting like teenage girls.  I don’t get why they are popular; Radio 1’s Scott Mills, for example.  He makes me want to throw my radio out of the car window.   His fake accent, the stupid terms he uses like, ‘where are you off of? Oh you’re off of Birmingham, right, like, actually an actual, Brummie”?  Oh God I can’t abide him!   He’s so insincere and narcissistic.  Or at least, that is the impression I get. 

I have tried tuning in to Johnny Vaughan, whom I love and have done since he hosted, Channel 4’s, ‘The Big Breakfast’, but I cannot get the signal.  I can tolerate Chris Evans in small doses and find his enthusiasm refreshing but silly things like the fact that he says, ‘ickle’, for little, makes my hackles go up.  Also, the song choice on his radio show is a little too old, even for me. 

HE listens to Radio 2 though and seems to worship Chris Evans now!

There is no radio show for people like me.   I haven’t found one, or been recommended one. 

Television programmes all seem to be missing something now too.  An element that was present in Monty Python,  Vic & Bob,  The Big Breakfast,  The Office,  The Fast Show,  The Two Ronnies,  Phoenix Nights,  Top Of The Pops,  Not  The Nine O’ Clock News,  That’s Life,  Grange Hill,  Tomorrows World even.

It might just be that I am an old fart and don’t get the new stuff.   Take Me Out is really popular but I watched it and it is rubbish!  I like Paddy McGuiness and so have tried to stick with it but it is absolute 3^rd rate crap, like the awful, trashy, Tool Academy.  Presenter Rick should sack his agent.

And why, how had, Snog, Marry, Avoid? Got a series after series? 

There is so much talent out there.  I speak to funny people all the time.  There are interesting, intelligent, entertaining people, struggling to get heard and yet the likes of  Friends, is repeated day in, day out and all day long. 

Dick & Dom, are hilarious but have a programme on kids TV channel, CBBC and that’s it. 

Leigh Francis is I think, one of the only great comedians/ presenters at the moment and he is wasted on BBC3.  Oh and Harry Hill is fantastic.  His TV Burp is so clever, even though it's suitable for ITV, prime time family viewing.

I used to watch Vic & Bobs Big Night Out and Bang Bang its Reeves and Mortimer and very nearly throw up from laughing so much, every episode.  

HE wants me to add that, for Him, Red Dwarf, (in particular the Red Alert sketch) is such basic, English humour at its best and you should all You Tube it.

Personally, I think you all need to, whether you are already ardent fans, or have never heard of them, go on You Tube and watch as many Reeves & Mortimer sketches as possible – for images like this alone!

Vic Reeves as Lloyd Grossman in the 'Masterchef' sketch

Not sure now where I wanted to go with this post.  Maybe I just wanted to have a moan.  I’d definitely like to offer some suggestions to you all for entertainment.  Lets start with films.

Films I would love you to watch are;

Serial Mom - with Kathleen Turner as an all American wife & mother, who gets irritated to murderous levels by the small stuff.

American Gangster – Russell Crowe’s cop is after Denzel Washington who for a refreshing change, plays the bad guy, although he is a charismatic one! Fantastic cat and mouse story and brilliantly acted.

Kick Ass – Just bloody fantastic to see a young person standing up to scum bags and also, worth watching for Chloe Morelis alone as Hit Girl.

Love and Sex – This is such a cool ‘girls’ film, that i'd almost not bother calling it one. It's about a young woman, played by Famke Jansen going through relationships.  It’s really funny, heart-warming and sad too. 

I could also recommend any of the films I have included on my blog profile but these four are a great mixture to be getting on with.   I'd love to hear your recommendations too.  And do yourself a favour and go NOW and watch Reeves & Mortimer Masterchef sketch on YOU TUBE..... GO!  Thank me later ;)

An Apple A Day...

Morning all!

HE, (my belov - ed), just stopped me to tell me this interesting and possibly self preserving fact.

He said, "They just did an experiment with fruit flies.  Fruit flies only live for 50 days.  So, They fed half the fruit flies with apple, and the other half with no apple but other fruit.  All the fruit flies who ate the apple, lived an extra 5 days! So, it's true! An apple a day and all that...."

And he walked off, very impressed and beaming.

I'm not sure who They are but I think They might look something like this.

So, I don't know if it's true and how on earth would we ever know if by upping our apple intake, we had lived a few days longer than fate had planned for us? 

Who knows? It might be worth a shot though?  Make mine a Cox's Orange Pippin!

Oh and whilst on the subject of apples.  HE just added, "Ere, put this on your blog!  I was ripped off in the green grocers yesterday. They had lovely expensive red apples and ropey old green ones for half the price so i thought I'd be sly and mix them up in a brown paper bag but when it came to paying, the girl scanned a red one so I ended up paying double"! hahah I don't think that's being 'ripped off' as much as being caught out! hahaha

SWEET SUGAH DOMPLIN!

Oh DEAR!  OH DEARY,  DEARY,  DEARY ME.

I meant to be so good this week.  This was meant to be the week I started on the great hamster wheel of fitness n weight loss.  Healthy eating was gonna be a lifestyle change, not just a fad diet. 

I was gonna be 2 stone less by March 31^st !  AT LEAST!

It didn’t quite work out like that.

I went to the gym on Monday and  Clare did the programme review with me. 

It was much better than I had anticipated and she gave me a proper structured work out to follow.  She also advised me where I had been reading the equipment wrong.

All good.   I was going to go back at least three more times this week, each time ticking the box on my ‘personalised programme sheet’.

Well, as you know, if you’d read previous posts from Monday and Tuesday, things happened, making me feel in desperate need of escaping.  So, Tuesday evening, I was really ready for staring ahead and running to nowhere on the treadmill, then venturing out into the wobbly world of workouts. 

I got out of work an hour early, (thanks Dave), as I only had an hour to burn off as much fat as poss due to Him going out to watch the football.  

I got home, got dressed up as a fat chick would for the gym, (15 yr old trainers, baggy bottoms, layers, it’s all about layers….and plenty of SUPPORT)!  Then hopped in the car.

Once there, I stood looking for my ‘personalised programme sheet’ for 10 minutes.  I am not a natural sportswoman and so, this precious 10 minutes was having a detrimental effect on my ‘GO GET EM, YOU’RE A CAGED TIGER’ enthusiasm.  

I got bored of looking for it and strutted into the gym. 

Yeah baby, I looked H. O. T and cooool all at the same time.  

If I had a soundtrack for my visits to the gym, as I burst  through the doors like an Amazonian, athletic, lioness, she-god, the most appropriate song would be,  ‘MORE THAN A WOMAN’ by Bee Gees, then as I bounced up and down on the treadmill maybe Simply Irresistable by Robert Palmer, or Centrefold.  For the floor exercises I’d say it’d have to be I’m Every Woman, Chaka Khan and for my cool down stretch, Once, Twice, Three times a Lady, Commordores  

In reality, as I puff puff puff away, I should really have something like COME ON ICE CREAM by Dexy’s Midnight Runners, and as I struggle to do 3 crunches, I GET KNOCKED DOWN BUT I GET UP AGAIN by Chumba Wumba. 

That bloody eric prinz (can’t spell it) version of Call On Me came on once, just as I started jogging and I felt sooooooooo embarrassed!!!  Have you seen the video?  AGGGH I was at my ugliest and sweatiest.  Just cringe-worthy.

Anyhoo, back to TUESDAY –

Once on the treadmill, I tried to regain my furious fat fighting face but it just wouldn’t work.   

I managed only 25 minutes and this is interval training!  So just 3 mins walking, 2 mins running, 5 times.    I still get a proper old sweat on though. Oh and a funny thing about botox I have found is that when I have been exercising and my face is red and flustered, I have white circles, exactly where the injections have been, on my forehead and crows feet (legs).   Small price to pay for the temporary deletion of sun damaged tramlines though, even if I do look a bit rhubarb n custard!

So,  getting bored I decide that that’s my lot and I’ll go home but then I spot Clare by the exit door! So I begrudgingly do a few crunches on the mucky blue mat, until I spy her instructing a newbie on the rowing machine and take that as my cue to slip out the door! Hahaha you can’t catch me! I am running much faster now than I was on the treadmill!

In the reception area I decide to weigh myself on their swanky machine.  I pop my £1 in the slot and stand as tall as possible as this one calculates everything!  

In the silent but busy reception area, the posh, electronical voice BELLOWS at me,  'Just calculating your WEIGHT and height.   Just calculating your BODY FAT! STAND STILL'! 

 

And so, by the time I get home, I am needing that glass of White Zinfandel and Malteser chocolate bunny!

We have, since Tuesday just eaten lots and not exercised. 

We are going to spend this Saturday doing fabulous but simple things WITH NO GUILT… then on Sunday, read the newspapers in bed, (if the kids let us…they should do as for good behaviour, they have earned a 2^nd hand dvd/tv combi for their bedroom…just for 1 hours Tom n Jerry on a Sunday morning)…oh the bliss of not having to get up until 8am !!!

BUT!....I PROMISE that from Monday, I will start my new regime.   And I WILL lose at least 1 stone of lard by march 31^st…. 

Adele - and breathe.............

Driving home and this came on the radio.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qemWRToNYJY

It's the UK number 1 now and refreshingly, it's a live version.  Stunningly beautiful and one of those rare performances that stops everyone in their tracks. 

Mesmerising and heart wrenching.  Powerful, soul searching and peaceful, all at the same time. 

Added bonus is that Adele's accent is as common as muck and her laugh is filthier than that of the late, great Sid James.

I'm watching Shutter Island tonight with my baby, so I'll leave you to listen & watch Adele.  Please do.

Peace out and remember, there ain't no armour for karma !

HAIR - The Good, The Bad & The Ugly & a COMPETITION!

I really do look like a man at the moment!  I have the shittest hair, like, everrrrrrrr!

I am attempting to grow out my first ever 'trendy style'.   It was clipped very short up the back, given a thick fringe and sort of layered bob round the sides.  It looked cool.  HE said it was lovely to see me looking like I had a proper style. Like I'd been taken care of !!! hahaha  People at work liked it. 

It just isn't me. 

It's too neat!  The only person who has shown ambivalence to it, is Marie who says, 'I think of you as rock chick (?! I kinda know what she means) - you're funkier than that...it's just too, hmmmn styled'.

I have never really styled my hair and in my youth, could go without brushing it for at least 24 hours, preferring the 'beach babe' look.

I tried to recapture that tousled, Sienna Milleresque style a year ago when I paid good money at a good salon, to gradually rid my hair from about 5 years of dark brown home dye.
It did look nice when I actually made the effort and I have one photo, where it looked good (for me), in a grecian/ Lauren Conrad style attempt -
  I most definitely would have kept it like this as this is when I feel most 'me' but, a) it was soooooo expensive to keep getting it highlighted and roots done and b) because I am new to 'caring' for my mop, I burnt it with straighteners on serum coated hair!  Not just a little, but all over.  I kept thinking, 'shit, I need more protective serum' and slathering it all over, then re singeing it with the hot irons. What a knob head!  It felt like wire when I ran my hand over it.  So, I had to get the lot cut off.  Short.  The shortest layer being about three inches long.  A big, brave move for an aged, style virgin! 

Actually, it was needed. It looked dead.  Like a really un looked after afro. 

So, Now, I am sporting a nothing.  A bit like this
  when it was a bit like this but with a fringe... 

So I thought I'd put it out to you guys & gals.   What hair style do you recommend for a 38 year old mum of two, who doesn't like styling too much, is VERY grey so needs to keep re colouring and thinks lighter is more forgiving.  If your suggestion is chosen by me, I will endeavour to send a small prize, to say thanks.

To give you a bit more of an idea of the kinda woman I am and the kinda styles I drool at but could never achieve,  here are my opinions of celebs hairstyles....

When I was a kid, I wanted these styles but never had the balls...


Hairstyles that I think are sexy and iconic;



Here are COOL hairstyles that I could never wear but would love to...



The following are celebs I think just seem to get it right ...



Celebs who are justzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz BORING!!!


  

And remember, this is just my opinion, celeb styles that are just errgh!

       

So... get your stylists head on.  Think of it as 10 Years Younger.  Or your bit for Help The Aged.

We all go through magazines going, 'ooh she looks good/ different/ skankadelic'... so, please come forward with your suggestions.  You can send links, or if you are tres good at getting your point across, just describe what you think could win you that teeny, tiny prizette!

Thank you for reading and please do have a pop x 

The Duelling Banjo's

I have sat here for most of the evening, feeling absolutely gutted.

Gutted that my blog is being peered at by someone I thought was a decent enough person but who, twice to my knowledge, has run to my least favourite person with information of mine. 

If you work, if you're a parent, if you're in a relationship, or all three, you'll understand how you can lose yourself.  Your identity.


Well, this silly little blog, was my attempt at regaining some of 'Me' back.  And it had started to feel really good.

Every time one of you comment on my posts, or every time a face book friend inbox's me to tell me they like reading what I have to say, or better still, that they can relate to something I've put on here, it literally makes my heart swell.  Not in a coronary disease type way, just a really happy, worthwhile way. 

And each time I get a new follower, especially one I haven't nagged & forced to join, it makes me beam and feel like ME, the old Me, again.

Blogs are meant to be a way in which an individual gets out their information, thoughts, experiences, ideas, stories...feelings.  Whether the blogger wishes to show others, or just use it as a private sanctuary, away from all the noisy shit, all the ignorance and banjo strummin, then that is their right.

I felt I needed to express myself.  Not in a flailing, mad eyed, Kate Bush way but just to help ease the general daily suffocation that most adults feel when they realise they can't do, or say what they want and that they have responsibilities and duties. 

I have been using this blog as a release valve.

Yesterday was very strange.

I came in from work and He came in shortly after, looking shell shocked.  He explained that his sister had obviously given the details of my blog to his ex wife, who had in turn, called him during work, demanding that He had to meet her as she simply had to hand Him paperwork.  Believing it to be some sort of legal document, he drove to her office and waited in the reception. 

When she appeared brandishing print-outs of MY blog, He said He felt so angry for me and so sick.  He understands how much we need our own interests and he knows that I have missed writing stuff.  He also knows that I have felt uncomfortable with His ex wifes constant presence.  Her interfering, two dimensional, self-rightous personality is overwhelming.  She doesn't hear a single word if it differs from what she wants to hear.

It is due to her being 'there', that has stopped me from being close to His family.  A first for me as I have always got on well with boyfriends families.  And am still on good talking terms with two ex's sisters & mums.

I always knew His sister was a 'friend' of hers but got mixed feelings when she b*tched about her regularly. 

It wasn't until recently that I felt uncomfortable having His sister as my friend on Facebook and after much deliberating, finally removed her from my 'friends' list.   As I refreshed the screen and saw the confirmation that she had gone, I thought, "Ah well, does it matter that the deletion of our 'virtual friendship' will no doubt become the next drama in their lives"?  I knew my name would be mud, again.

I felt relaxed that no more of my pictures, comments, conversations could be stolen from my Profile and shown to the ex wife, like they most definitely had been. 

And I also felt a bit sad.  Sad that His family didn't get to know Me.  Just the version of me, when the real Me feels guarded and betrayed. 

Pure sh*t, all this.  Like a low budget soap opera.  And completely unnecessary. 

Anyway, I have thought about changing my blog.  Just so I can write, knowing that I am not just basically reading my diary to The Duelling Banjo's.  

The Duelling Banjo's is a fantastic pet name for the sister and ex wife, that I have nicked from sphillips05... one of my followers who has commented in great detail at the end of my post titled, http://theinvisiblewomanuk.blogspot.com/2011/02/back-stabber.html.  Please read it.  She has been scathing, understandably I think. 

I can sort of understand to a miniscule degree, the mother instinct bounding to the forefront when ex wife reads that I am in a bad mood - http://theinvisiblewomanuk.blogspot.com/2011/02/bad-mood.html due to the three children, (one of which is hers)... a miniscule fragment of acknowledgement as to the protectiveness a parent feels but seriously, read the bloody thing before running, all guns blazing, to Esther Rantzen!  I am a fantastic mother and a very decent human being.  If I want to have a moan to my blog, I do not have to answer to the likes of you.  You were not invited.  Eavesdropping on others conversations is a dangerous past time. 

They are my thoughts, you are not required to approve.

What I cannot understand, on any level, is the sister.  Knowing the personality of the ex wife and knowing that it was a strong possibility that sharing information could have a heart breaking affect on your own brother, why on earth would you proceed?  What do you gain from being two faced?  No body trusts you, people believe you to be a liar and unreliable.  Who are you helping? Or is it just the drama you enjoy because you are bored.  I really am sick of you.  You have hurt people for no reason at all.  If you didn't like reading my blog, you could have rung me, or your brother.  Instead you have just fcuked things up.

So, be warned friend.  The Duelling Banjo's are watching.  Watching because they are bored.  They are reading my posts.  Rifling through my blog, scratching away for snippets of stories, searching for crumbs of genuine chit chat, that they can knead and stretch into a big, overbaked DRAMACAKE!

When I was little,  if I moaned that I was bored,  my Dad used to say, 'go and tidy your bedroom'!

I bet there's huge piles of dust, like rolling tumbleweed under their beds!

Rocket!

Since yesterday,  my UK viewing figures have rocketed.   How funny! 

The two stooges, (now named The Duelling Banjos), must be very bored. 

Why don't you click on 'follow'? Then you will be automatically updated every single time I post ;) 

Oh and it's obvious when the 'banjos' are lurking, because they only read through the negative, miserable posts...yes, the one's influenced by them!

BORE OFF BANJO'S!

TOO OLD TO BE IN AN ANTI-AGING ADVERT !

I have used this photo in a previous post called, 'Half Way There' but I just wanted it to stand alone. 

It seems a fun photo and the lady is laughing but my goodness it's powerful isn't it?

Sadly, so true of our society.  Especially nowadays.  Really fcuked up!

Clare...

In relation to my earlier post, 'Hints & Tips',  before the sickly realisation that my blog was being stalked by two Jerry Springer rejects,  I'd like to say that Clare who showed me round the gym tonight, was indeed very young but also very friendly and actually laughed with me I think, (also at my trainers at one point...they are 15 year old Nike Shox...they were sooooo cool when they first came out) hahah anyhoo, she wrote a great gym programme for me.  Not exactly high tech, or cutting edge but structered and interesting.  I will keep you posted!
Oh and I have one tip, courtesy of Clare;

• Don't worry too much about your heart rate being 160 plus on the treadmill.... you do not have to have a heart rate of 117 to be in the 'fat burning' zone - you'd have to be doing a very gentle stroll to have a heart rate that low... ;)

You lookin at my fcukin trainers? You wanna piece o' me?